Faith and Fear

"What if I stopped trying not to sin and instead just tried to always repent?" This question struck me during a discussion with a friend, and I know there is something to it. I think we spend so much time trying not to sin because we are afraid of sin. We are afraid of messing up. We are afraid of failing. We are afraid of what others will think. We are afraid of what it says about who we are. We are afraid that we can't overcome.

I've learned through some very real experiences that when we act or respond in fear, it is never helpful. A while ago, I made a plan to kill myself on my birthday (don't worry, I made it to my birthday and beyond). As I told a friend about this plan I made, she was awesome. She was incredibly helpful, supportive, and loving. However, the next day, she was freaked out. She was afraid. And rightfully so. If roles were reversed, I am sure I would have freaked out just as much, if not more. But what I learned was that she was not able to help me when she was responding from a place of fear. I told others about what was going on, and those who responded without fear, and instead had faith, those were the people who were able to help me through that difficult period.

This has caused me to think a lot about faith and fear.

I haven't blogged for a long time, but long story short (perhaps I'll elaborate later), I am in a really good place. Like really good. Maybe the best ever. I feel like a miracle has happened in my life. Most of it has to do with getting rid of my fear. It is acting in faith. I have been able to embrace my sexuality. I am no longer ashamed that I am a sexual being. I am no longer afraid to have sexual feelings. I am no longer afraid to hear an inappropriate song. I am no longer afraid to go to a bachelorette party where people are going to be talking about sex. I am no longer afraid of an inappropriate thought entering my head. It's a miracle.

But what I've found is that I've started listening to inappropriate songs. I don't watch much tv or movies, but if I did, I am sure I'd watch more inappropriate movies, because I'm no longer afraid that they will trigger me and march me straight back to pornography. This weekend I realized that just because I am not afraid of these things, does not mean that I should be entertaining them. So I still need to avoid them, but the motivation is different. It isn't because I am afraid of what it says about me, or what it will do to me. It is because I know that God doesn't want me to be doing those things.

After having these new insights, I still listened to inappropriate music today. And so I repented of it. And it is likely to happen again tomorrow. I am thinking that seeking to repent always, rather than seeking to never sin is a better way to Christ. There is less shame. There is less fear. There is more hope. There is more faith. There is more reliance on our Savior and His great Atoning sacrifice. And that is the point of all of this. It isn't to never sin. It isn't to never fail. If that were the point, we would have no need for the Atonement. If that were the point, we probably would have chosen to follow someone else in the pre-mortal world. The point is to repent. The point is to use the Atonement. The point is to rely on Christ.

I feel like I have a lot more to think about and to learn from this question. I think that shift in mindset is really important. My thoughts here feel very incomplete, but I felt like I should get them down tonight. So here they are, for whoever might stumble across them.

 

Small Successes

Ever since I started writing again, I think I've been a little too worried about what I was saying, or how I was saying it because I knew that more people (meaning more than 0 people) were going to be reading it. When I started, it was kind of just a place for me to throw my thoughts out to the interwebs and I just hoped they'd find and help someone. Now I think too much about it, and honestly, it keeps me from writing a lot.

So I'm done with thinking too much. I'm done thinking about people who will be reading it. I am just going to write as if nobody's looking, and throw it to literally everybody, and the same time, to absolutely nobody. This is the joy of the internet. If it happens to find someone and it helps them. Great. If not, who cares. At least I'm writing and it's helping me and it's making me happy. Is that selfish? Probably. But I don't care.

So I just wanted to share with everybody/nobody that I had a small success this week. And I'm kind of proud of myself. I feel like lately I've been having anxiety about a lot of things. At least I think it is anxiety. Maybe it's not, but it's what I assume anxiety feels like.. Anyway, I think I sometimes will feel anxious in a moment, but right now there are a lot of things, all at the same time, that are causing a lot of anxious feelings. My chest gets really tight, my mind is consumed with irrational thoughts, it disables me, and I just can't shake it. It can be quite debilitating and I have a really tough time doing whatever it is I need to be doing. It's been bad lately.

Here's where the small success comes in. When I've felt like this in the past, it typically is a trigger for me. And sure enough, these feelings were again a trigger for me. But even though this was more anxiety than I've felt in a long time, maybe ever, this time I was able to navigate my way through it! It wasn't easy, but I'm so happy about what I've learned!

It started with recognizing what was going on. I first recognized that I was feeling quite anxious. Then when the urge to find pornography came, I stopped myself and asked why I was having this urge. I realized it was because I was feeling anxious, and I wanted to just disconnect from my life. I wanted to escape. Recognizing why I was being tempted helped me see a bigger picture. I needed to let myself experience all of these feelings, and find my way through them, rather than just push them out as quickly as I could. I let myself feel the anxiety. I let myself feel the temptation to view pornography. I let myself think about why. And I figured it out.

I didn't try to suppress my temptation, rather I put my focus and energy in trying to get over the debilitating anxiety. I worked on thinking rationally, and taking control of the situation, even though I just wanted to run and hide. I was able to act, and eventually I realized it wasn't all that bad, and my whole world wasn't going to fall apart.

I've been thinking about the Atonement lately, and about the strength that it gives me. I know I don't recognize it enough, or give it the credit it deserves, or really even understand it at all. But I know that it is what got me through this one. It gave me the strength to not only avoid a slip up, but also to overcome these anxious feelings. Anyway, that's my story for tonight. Thanks for listening. :)

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

I found this Ted Talk, and I had to write about it. It's called "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong". I have lots of thoughts on it, and I'd love to hear what other people think as well. If you don't want to watch it, I'll give you some of the highlights. But there's a lot more. So you should watch it.

Johann Hari discusses how rats that are isolated in a cage with nothing to do, prefer water laced with heroin over pure water. These rats will use the heroin until they eventually overdose and it kills them. However, rats in a cage set up like a "rat park" where they have fun things to do and other rats to socialize with, prefer the pure water over the heroin laced water.

Johann raises some questions about this phenomenon. "What if addiction isn't about your chemical hooks? What if addiction is about your "cage"? What if addiction is an adaptation to your environment?

"Maybe we should call it bonding. When we're happy and healthy we bond and connect with each other. But if you can't do that because you're traumatized, or isolated, or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now that might be gambling. That might be pornography. That might be cocaine. That might be cannabis. But you will bond and connect with something. Because that's our nature. That's what we want as human beings."

As I listened to this, I reflected on when I first got involved with pornography. I was at a point where I felt more alone than I ever had before. I was miserable in my "cage". I could see no good in my environment. I was like the lone rat, I felt completely alone and had nothing to do. So I found something to bond with, and that something was pornography. Throughout the years that followed, I have definitely used pornography as an escape from life. As Johann puts it, "A core part of addiction...is about not being able to bear to be present if your life." It became my go-to coping mechanism. So when I needed an escape from the guilt and shame of using pornography to cope, where did I turn? Yep. Usually I turned to more pornography. It is a viscous cycle.

Later, Johann talks about recovery and how it is best accomplished when real connections with real people are made. He says that he tries to "say to the addicts in my life that I want to deepen the connection with them. I love you whether you are using or not. I love you whatever state you're in. And if you need me, I'll come and sit with you because I love you. And I don't want you to be alone, or to feel alone."

I guess Johann's words are exactly what I want to tell other women who struggle with pornography. I love you. I love you whether or not you are "using" pornography. I know what it's like, and if you need me, I'll come sit with you. Because I get it. And I don't want you to be alone, or feel alone. And believe that if you can feel that, you will can also begin to understand that God loves you even more than I do.

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." If you haven't made a connection with someone, if you feel totally alone, lean on me. Let's connect. I may need it just as much as you. And hopefully together we can strengthen our faith in Christ, and learn more of just how much he loves us.

There Remaineth An Effectual Struggle To Be Made

A few years ago I was at work and found myself viewing pornography, yet again. I needed to just get away from work for a while, so I walked outside to a nearby park and just sat on a bench to think. I kept going over what had happened. As I sat there, I started to recognize a very important pattern. It didn't have to do with things leading up to me viewing pornography, but rather what happened to me after.

At that point in my journey, I was really good at shaming myself. I felt worthless. I felt like I was never going to get over this. I felt like I was a failure. I felt just about every self-degrading thing I could think of. This often led, or contributed to a steep downward spiral that seemed to make it much more likely for me to return to pornography, and generally just made everything worse. What I realized as I sat on that bench was that I was letting Satan win twice. He was winning not only when I viewed pornography, but also when I beat myself up afterwards. I got knocked down, and then promptly began to kick myself, ensuring that I stayed down.

Recognizing this destructive pattern was key for me. I realized that the Savior’s response to my sin and weakness would be much different than my response. The Savior would put His arm around me, love me, teach me to become better, and help strengthen me so that I could. So I tried to be more compassionate to myself. The change hasn’t come overnight, and I’m still working on it. But trying to shift my mindset has helped me progress in ways I wasn’t able to before. I still have to remind myself all the time to stop kicking all the time. But when I remember to trust God and follow His example, it is easier to repent and I get back on track so much quicker.

One scripture that I often think about is Mosiah 7:18-19. “O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made. Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God."

Sometimes my struggles seem to be completely in vain. It seems like no matter what I try, my enemies still have power over me. But like king Limhi, I also trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made. I trust that all the struggles that seem to be in vain are actually important exercises that will help us. If we let them, they can teach us, strengthen us, and prepare us for that effectual struggle that still remains.

Changing my attitude toward myself after I fall has helped my struggle become more effective. What do you do to make your struggles more effective? I’d love to hear and learn what you are trying.

A Place of Healing, Not Hiding

Being open about my struggle with pornography has changed my life. I haven’t been wide open about it, but I have opened up to some very key people, and as you can see from this blog, I’m starting to share my stories and experiences with whoever wants to listen. Once I stopped trying so hard to hide from everyone, I slowly started finding room to heal. This ongoing transformation has been something I never could have imagined, and now I want others to experience it too.

In his last conference talk, President Uchtdorf said that the church should be a place of healing, not hiding. I don’t know about you, but I’m not quite ready to stop hiding this at church. And I may never be, and that’s okay. But I think having another space where I can not hide, but be myself, and where I can listen and learn and share with others who really get what I’m going through would not only continue my healing, but also would help others have the courage to stop hiding and start healing. 

One of the key people I’ve been very open with is my therapist, Daniel Burgess. Working with Daniel has been an enormous blessing. He has helped me change the way I think about things. He has helped me learn a lot about myself, the Atonement, and how to better handle my struggles. I was recently checking in with him and while discussing what passions I have that could focus my energy on, he threw out the idea of writing a book together. Everything we talked about reminded me of the exact reasons I started my blog years ago - it was a way I could try to help someone else.

I thought and prayed a lot over the next few days. I dusted off my old blog, read through some old posts, and logged back into the email account I had set up specifically for this blog. I was absolutely shocked to see an email from a woman who found my blog, and even more shocked to hear that my blog somehow helped her! The crazy thing is she had sent that email 2 years ago, and I had no idea!! I was overcome with the sweetest feeling of joy, I can't even describe it. For the first time in my life I felt like I knew how Alma the Younger felt when he said “my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20). I have corresponded a bit with this woman, and I think she is just a wonderful soul.

Realizing I helped someone, in some small way, fueled my desire to pursue this project with Daniel. Every time I prayed about it, I felt nothing but an outpouring of the Spirit. I’ll be honest, it is a little scary. It is definitely going to push my comfort zone, but if I can help someone else, it will all be worth it.

Daniel and I met to talk about the book, and we decided that in addition to writing a book, some sort of online support community for women could be very helpful. So we are giving it a shot! I want there to be a safe space where we can share, and listen, and learn from each other. If we can create that, I believe it will be an awesome place full of healing, not hiding, cause let's be honest. Hiding is exhausting!

So there you go. That is where I am, and where I want to go. It feels like a daunting project, and sometimes I feel totally inadequate to even think about trying to attempt something like this, but I am also incredibly excited about the potential for good. So if you want to get involved, offer support or have thoughts, ideas, suggestions, or comments, please let me know. And stay tuned for more info!

Trust the Process

We live in an "On Demand" world. How often do we watch our favorite TV shows at their regularly scheduled time? We (as a society) want what we want, and we want it now. We want nice cars, big houses, fancy trips, designer clothes. We want to look great, lose weight, and get in shape. But we also want to eat french fries, desserts, and anything else that looks tasty. We want our questions answered, our testimonies strengthened, and our burdens removed. And we want it all right now, or maybe by tomorrow afternoon if it's too much to ask for now. Thanks God, you're the best! 

Sometimes I get caught up in this, and I crave that instant gratification. Sometimes I indulge, sometimes I keep a longer-term focus. But I'm finding again and again that when I'm motivated and act on these impulsive desires, I end up feeling empty, unsatisfied, and also quite inadequate. I keep thinking about a story Elder Ballard tells in his talk, Finding Joy through Loving Service. If you'd rather watch the story, here you go.

I love this story for a lot of reasons. At face value, it teaches an important lesson. The best way to get rich isn't by winning the lottery, it is through the "patient accumulation" of the little gold flecks, over time that brought the prospector great wealth. But the number of different situations this applies to is endless. Not eating for a week isn't going to make us thin. Working out for 10 straight hours isn't going to make us fit. Praying once for an answer isn't going to satisfy our questions, or relieve our burdens. Instead consistent habits of eating healthy, working out, and being fed spiritually each and every day will enable us to reach our goals. It is a process. And we have to trust the process.

Pornography thrives in this arena of instant gratification. We have access to so much of it, and it's there whenever we decide we want it. Avoiding pornography for a day/week/month/whatever doesn't mean we have conquered it. We have to work hard, and patiently accumulate those small flecks of self-mastery over time. And when we find them, we have to treasure them. Some days I feel like there is hole in my leather pouch and I've totally lost some (or all) of those flecks I worked so hard to gather. But when I am able to see it as an opportunity to patch up my pouch and make it stronger than it was before, I'm able to get back in the game much quicker, and I'm so much happier.

So for me, my "process" for accumulating these precious flecks of self-mastery includes really studying the scriptures every day. It is staying on my knees in prayer until I feel a connection with God. It is being disciplined in other areas of my life such as consistently working out to take care of my body. It is getting enough sleep. Any of these things on their own, or done just once, doesn't amount to much. And that can be VERY discouraging. It is often hard for me to see the end result. It is easy to let things slide "just this one time". I'm not always good at it, but I know that over time, the consistent effort does pay off. The process does work, I just need to trust it more. For anyone else out there, what does your process involve? What has worked for you? I'd love to hear and learn from you.

To Act and Not Be Acted Upon

One of the most important things I feel like I've learned about recently is the difference between acting for myself, rather than being acted upon. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi talks about this in 2 Nephi 2:26.

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem 

the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from 

the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil;

to act for themselves and not to be acted upon,

save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, 

according to the commandments which God hath given.

So... Christ came to help us get over the effects of the fall. And because He did that for us, we are free and we know the difference between good and evil. And also, we have the ability to act, and it sounds like God doesn't really want us to be acted upon. So what does it mean to be acted upon?

I think that we sometimes give away our agency, and in some cases we accept and even embrace the fact that we are acted upon. If you put a warm, soft, chocolate chip cookie in front of me, I will eat it. It's gonna happen, and there is nothing anybody can do about it. No worries though, it's cool, I've totally accepted this about myself. But. Where is the agency in that? There is none! I think the power of an addiction is just this- it takes away your agency and leaves you as an object to be acted upon. How many times have you found yourself viewing pornography, and you really didn't make a choice to be there. It just sort of happened. For me, this has happened a lot. So what can be done? How can we reclaim our agency? How can we go from being objects that are acted upon to agents who act?

Well when everything you're doing doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to try something different. I recently tried something different, and so far it has actually helped. Hear me out on this one... If God values our agency enough to lose a third part of His children, and He sent Christ to die for us so that we could act and not be acted upon, do you think God would rather us be agents or objects? Agents, right? So God wants us to use the precious gift of agency and to act. Ok, got it. But what if we aren't good agents? What if we choose the wrong? Do you still think God would rather us be bad agents than acted upon objects?

I think He does! I think He really wants us to choose to act, even if we choose wrong. So I tried it out. Sometimes when I feel like there is no way for me to avoid pornography like I know I should, I chose to do it. That's right, I chose to view pornography. What??? I chose to view pornography?? I'm crazy, right? Probably so, because who in their right mind would choose to view pornography, especially when that is exactly what they are trying to avoid? Well I did. And the outcome surprised me.

I found that by choosing, I started to become an agent again. I started acting. And doing so helped me start to reclaim some of that agency that I lost. And agents who act have more power than objects who are acted upon because agents who act can choose to become better. Objects can't really progress. They just get acted upon, and thrown around wherever. Choosing to act opens the door for the Atonement of Christ. It allows the Atonement to strengthen us, and to enable us to become better, It allows for the Atonement to begin to heal our souls. So that's my challenge for all of us. It's probably going to look different for all of us, but let's try to find something we can do to, to reclaim our agency, and to stop being tossed around.

I'm back! And the Atonement is real!

It's been a while, but I'm back! I have learned many things, but it would be way too long to cover them all on one post. So look forward to future posts. 

Today, my thoughts are centered on the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Last week, I listened to the talk from the Priesthood Session of General Conference by Elder Ballard. He talked about having the greatest generation of young adults. In the talk, he asks a lot of questions that are good to ponder and check ourselves with. One of the questions is, "Do you think deeply about the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for you when you are asked to prepare, bless, pass, or partake of the sacrament?" So in Sacrament meeting, I made an effort to really try to think deeply about the Savior, and His atoning sacrifice as the sacrament was being administered. I didn't come up with anything profound, but I did think about ways that the Atonement helped me during the past week, as well as some other things. It was good, but nothing too special. 

But what has happened since that meeting has been profound. I have felt forgiveness in a whole new way, and on a much deeper level. I don't think I ever really believed that I could feel similar to Alma the Younger when he felt exquisite bitterness and pain, and then was forgiven and felt joy and happiness that was as exquisite as his pain. But this week, I felt it! I felt so much joy, it felt like I was just overflowing. It was an amazing feeling. My cup runneth over, for sure. It isn't that I haven't been forgiven all these years, but for some reason I felt it differently. It was a feeling of incredibly intense joy. It is the Atonement. It is real! It actually works! It isn't just something for the prophets. It is for us too. Pondering the Atonement during the sacrament helped me be more sensitive to its role in my daily life.

Anyway, my point is that it is worth it.  It is worth it to go through the repentance process, what ever that looks like. It is worth it to put your trust in God. It is worth it to keep trying. Again, and again, and again. It is totally worth it.

Overcoming Addictions

I recently attended a meeting where a couple therapists discussed how to counsel people with addictions, specifically an addiction to pornography. I thought a lot of the things they said were awesome, so I wanted to pass them along. 

One thing they talked about was how to know if you have an addiction, or if it is just a bad habit. Here were the signs of an addiction that he gave:

·      Repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop

·      It is interfering with life functioning

·      It is building and increasing in intensity

·      It causes personal distress

·      Engaging in risky behavior (example: viewing pornography at work even though it could result in being fired)

·      Constantly thinking or worrying about it

I thought that was a good list, and it reminded me that although I try to talk myself out of it sometimes, I am an addict. Sometimes more than others, but I related all too well with each of these to deny it.

At one point, they listed tempting thoughts that addicts have.

·      My life is already messed up

·      I already messed up today

·      I’ll stop tomorrow

·      What I do doesn’t matter to anyone

·      I’m useless anyway

·      A little won’t hurt

·      I just need a break

Again, these all hit incredibly close to home. I’ve thought each of these before, and sometimes it can still be a battle to keep myself thinking positively. 

He talked about the brain. I’ve read a few things about addictions and the brain, but he said some things that I hadn’t heard before, and I don’t know all the technical lingo, so I’ll do my best to describe it from what I remember. Basically he said that pornography is a drug, and it creates a release of dopamine. Then there are dopamine receptors (I think), which make the connection with the dopamine. Well then when the dopamine is gone, there is a deficiency in the brain, and so it begins to crave it. When something triggers it, the brain automatically starts the process on its own. So basically what I took away from it was that when something triggers you, the brain will automatically start the process, and this is why you can have an awesome day, full of the spirit, etc. and then find yourself looking at pornography just minutes later. I’ve had that happen so many times, and it is so discouraging. The good news is that this damage to the brain isn’t permanent; however, it takes a lot of time and work to change. 

They talked about ways a spouse can help. I’m not married, so you’d think this wouldn’t apply at all to me, but there was something that almost brought me to tears. He said one of the worst things a spouse can do is to have the addict promise that they will never slip again. The promise that should be made is that they will never give up, never stop fighting, and trying, and learning. I have promised myself time and time and time again that I would never have another slip up. And every time I’ve made that promise, I’ve broken it, and that is incredibly deflating, discouraging, and depressing. But I know that I will never give up. I will never stop fighting. I am so glad he said that, because it made it okay for me to just focus on the things I am going to do, and how I’m going to make it.

Speaking of slip ups, he said that addicts have a tendency to think they are back at square one whenever they have a slip up. This thinking should be discouraged. If you have just gone 3 weeks without a slip, and then have one, you aren’t at zero. You have still progressed through those weeks, and although you have had a small set back, you are still much better off than you were. Instead of 21/21, you might be 20/21, but that is still awesome progress.

Identify the reasons you want to change. If you aren’t committed to the change, it isn’t going to happen. List the advantages and disadvantages of changing. Once you see that by not changing the behavior you are giving up something of incredible worth for something meaningless, it will provide additional motivation.

Other recommendations he had were to engage in a consistent exercise plan. I know from personal experience, that I am much better off when I am exercising, just be careful that it doesn’t turn into an addiction to exercise, cause although that is less bad, it still isn’t healthy. Also, be as social as possible, it will help build meaningful relationships, and it helps to stay connected to real people.

Most importantly, involve the Savior in the work. All change comes through Him. I know that is true. I know that the Atonement is real. With addictions, it isn’t enough for someone to tell you to stop it, and to just pray and read your scriptures more. Outside help is often needed, and that is okay. In fact it is good. Though difficult, talking with others about my struggles has brought much healing and peace.

God is Full of Mercy

How do I forgive myself? This is a question that has been on my mind lately, and I don’t think I’m the only one who has it. A friend of mine alluded to this yesterday. She was reading some notes from a talk by Brad Wilcox, His Grace is Sufficient.

The older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

I have felt this, even with out making it to that final judgment. I have felt Christ begging me to stay, but me pushing Him away, because I didn’t feel worthy. I have felt His grace, and felt completely forgiven for my sins, but at the same time felt quite confused. I didn’t understand how it could be done. How could I go from a state of despair and turmoil, to a state of such peace in an instant? How is it that I could do wrong, yet still be loved. I think Isaiah had some insight into this.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

I am realizing that Brad Wilcox is right. Christ wants all of us to come back. But we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. It is essential that we learn to forgive ourselves. It is essential that I learn how to forgive myself. God is much more perfect than I am, so of course He is going to be more forgiving than I am. I know that He is full of mercy. I know that He loves me more completely than I love myself. He wants better things for me than I want for myself. I need to trust in His grace. And if He tells me I am worthy, I need to trust Him, and forgive myself.

Daily Strength from the Atonement

So I don't remember exactly when it was, but sometime during Sacrament meeting today, I thought about the Atonement, in regards to a conversation I recently had with a good friend. My friend asked me what I thought the one thing was that if people understood better, it would help them understand the gospel, or change them, or something like that. My immediate response was, the Atonement. I firmly believe that. She thought for a sec, and then agreed, citing things like the Plan of Salvation. I realized that I hadn't even been thinking about the Plan of Salvation, sometimes that seems like something that will play out later in life.

Today I realized where my thoughts were. I realized this when I thought to myself, how can the Atonement help me, TODAY? What strength do I need from the Atonement right now? What can the Atonement help me accomplish now, that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do on my own?

Pondering these questions was very enlightening, empowering, and encouraging. I realized that I have some "heavy burdens" that I have been trying to carry around on my own. But I don't need to carry them alone. Or maybe I do need to carry them alone, but if I do, then I can be strengthened to be able to better carry the load.

I think I learned the lesson of needing to rely daily on the Atonement when I was really struggling to overcome my addiction to pornography. But apparently I am quick to forget. Lately, I have been struggling with, what I've come to know as a transfer of addiction. I have been struggling with an eating disorder. This has happened previously in my life, and I really don't want to let it develop into an addiction. It has been really hard, a battle from within. Eating disorders are different from other addictions in that we must have food. We can go without drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc, but we can't go without food.

Anyway, I realized that I need to DAILY be turning to the Atonement for strength. I need to be sincerely asking for the enabling power of the Atonement to strengthen me to overcome this, especially before it overcomes me. And once I thought of this, and began relying on the Lord, rather than the arm of flesh (myself), I immediately felt relief.

This daily reliance on the Atonement isn't just for me, it isn't just for me when I'm struggling with an addiction. The Atonement is there for everyone, all the time, for every situation. I began thinking of other ways I could benefit from the Atonement. I thought of things I need help learning, and remembering. I thought of things that I need help with at work, in my relationships with others, in my church calling, etc. I know that the Atonement is more powerful than we can understand with our mortal souls. I know that if we rely on the Atonement, we can reach our potential. We can become like God (GOD = MAN + WOMAN). We can do things that we otherwise wouldn't be able to do.

The Atonement is the key. Work to understand it better. Think of how it does, or how it can bless your life each and every day. Then ask for that help. Ask to be changed by the enabling power of the Atonement to be able to bear the burdens you are asked to bear. It will change your life.

The Divine Gift of Repentance

"Repentance means striving to change... Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such strivings." Elder D. Todd Christofferson, The Divine Gift of Repentance

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been in Relief Society meetings in a variety of wards where a lesson on this talk was taught, and this line always stands out to me. I think it stands out to me because I have felt the pain of those repeated attempts. I know what it feels like to start and stop, and start again, over and over. It can be incredibly discouraging, but I know that there is something refining and holy in striving diligently to overcome, and those repeated attempts are sanctifying. They help to cleanse your soul. I know this, because years of those repeated attempts is exactly what I needed to be able to overcome.

"Repentance means striving to change. It would mock the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross for us to expect that He should transform us into angelic beings with no real effort on our part. Rather, we seek His grace to complement our most diligent efforts (see 2 Nephi 25:23). Perhaps as much as praying for mercy, we should pray for time and opportunity to work and strive to overcome, surely the Lord smiles upon one who desires to come to judgment worthily, who resolutely labors day by day to replace weakness with strength. Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such striving. Divine forgiveness and healing flow quite naturally to such a soul, for indeed "virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; [and] mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own (D&C 88:40). With repentance we can steadily improve in our capacity to live the celestial law." Elder D. Todd Christofferson, The Divine Gift of Repentance

As a woman in the LDS Church, who struggled with an addiction to pornography for years, I know that the gift of repentance is really divine. It is an amazing gift. I know that it takes time, a lot of time. I know that it takes effort, a lot of effort. I know that it is hard, really really hard. But I also know that it is all totally worth it. Satan will try as hard as he can to get you to believe otherwise. I  have seen him use so many different tactics on so many different people. Satan knows us quite well, and he individualizes his attacks on each of us. Unfortunately he can be quite effective in his attacks. But God knows us even better. His arms of mercy are continually extended toward us, and if we will reach back out to them, we can find so much peace, and joy, and safety in them.

If you are struggling, and feel like you can't do it on your own any more, ask for help. You may not struggle with pornography like me, for you it may be drugs or alcohol or sex or swearing whatever else you are having trouble with. You aren't alone. Don't be afraid to raise your hand, and say you are stuck and can't do it alone anymore. You might tell a friend, or someone in your family, or your Bishop, you can even tell me. But tell someone. Get the help you need. Get rid of any shame you are feeling, and start working towards recovery. The road is long, but it is worth it.

Love

It's been a while since my last post, but that is definitely not because there has been a lack of things for me to write about. I have had some really amazing experiences these last few months and I have really learned a lot. I've thought a lot about Elder Holland's General Conference address from April 2010, titled, "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". Go pray to be open to the spirit, and then go read it. It is really an amazing talk.

What it has made me think a lot about is the difference between love and lust, and how physical affection could be based on love rather than lust. Making a distinction between the two has been something that I have had trouble wrapping my head around. Well, I have experienced a tender mercy from the Lord. He blessed my life with an amazing man who taught me many things. One of which is how physical affection can be motivated by love, and not by lust. I don't know that I have words to explain it, it was something that I had to experience to understand. There was one night in particular that I think really taught me this lesson. The affection we showed each other spoke of love, compassion, tenderness, and a level of caring that I've never known. I felt like we were both trying to say "I love you" through a kiss. It wasn't, "I want you" or "I need you", but something much more enduring (sorry for the sappy details).

It always hurts when relationships end, especially when you have fallen in love, and this one was no exception. I am always grateful for the relationships I have, but I am especially grateful for this one. I was taught a lot about love. I experienced love in a way I never imagined.

I recently learned that one effect that addictions have is that they will take away an addicts capacity to have meaningful relationships. One of the outcomes of the recovery process is that the capacity for meaningful relationships increases. I had no clue that my addiction limited my capacity for meaningful relationships until I truly turned to God and progressed in my recovery. As I continue to progress, I see that capacity continue to expand. I find that the closer I come to my Savior, the greater my capacity to love others becomes. For me, it started with a close friend who loved me despite my faults. It grew even more as I developed this relationship. And I know that as I work each day to become closer to my Savior, that it will continue to increase, and will make me more able to love and to accept the love of others.

Love is powerful. Each time I feel love from another person, it increases my ability to love. It helps me recognize, and reminds me of the love that my Savior has for me

Empowered by the Atonement

So I went and talked to my bishop a while back. I may have procrastinated for a while, cause I wasn't looking forward to it. I don't know who would be. I went in, we chatted, it was good. Then we got down to business. I told him what had happened, and we just talked about it. I didn't have to give up my recommend, which made me SO happy, I can't even say. At one point he started talking about Christ's love for us. He talked about how Christ has more love for us than anyone on this earth can comprehend. His love is always there for us. It doesn't matter what we have done, we can't change that love for us. He loves us infinitely. When my bishop said this, I really felt the spirit. I knew that Christ loves me. I knew that He will always love me. If I don't feel it, it is because of something I have done, I have pulled away. So anyway, I loved it. I know that it is true. I know that Christ loves us unconditionally. It really doesn't matter what we have or haven't done. We can do things though that bring us in and out of favor with the Lord, but His love is always there. I love it. I love Him. I have gone to the temple frequently, and I absolutely love it. I am so glad that I am worthy to go.

So recently, I heard someone's story of their recovery from alcoholism. It was somewhat of a generic story, they hit rock bottom, and then had a moment of clarity where God basically told them they could change or die. They decided to change. Throughout the recovery process they continued to have these moments of God talking to them. Throughout the story, the word that just kept repeating in my mind was "empowering". When I think of the word empowering, I think about the Atonement. The Atonement was the reason that this person was able to change their life and to become free from their addiction. Those moments of clarity where they heard God speaking to them was the Atonement in action. It was God's encouragement, and gift of empowerment so that they could carry on, and continue to make these amazing changes in their life. What I realized was that the Atonement works in everyone's life. It really doesn't matter who you are, where you have been, what you have or haven't done, or what you believe. The fact of the matter is that the Atonement is still there, and it is still working. Just as this addicts life was completely turned around, just like I have been working to overcome my addiction, the Atonement is always there, empowering change. Even in the lives of those who are not addicted to something, the Atonement is still there, always working.

I am so grateful for the Atonement, but also, I am so grateful that I recognize the power in my life for what it is. It makes is so much more meaningful, and loving because I know that my Savior died for ME. He died so that I can change, and become better, and return to live with Him again. And I know that He did that for you too. I know I don't come close to fully understand the Atonement, but I think that everyone would benefit from learning more about how the Atonement blesses their lives each and every day.

Fight as if with the Strength of God

So I think I have had a lot of emotions lately. I had an experience a while back that I was going to write about. I’m still going to write about it, but more has happened since then, and it has helped me see the bigger picture. So I did something wrong a while ago. It wasn’t really related to pornography, but was still something I needed to repent of. This had happened before, and I felt bad that I once again needed to ask for forgiveness for this same thing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the Lord always forgives me. He commands me to forgive someone who trespasses me 70 times 7 times. The reason He commands me to do that, is because He is trying to help me become like Him. He has infinite forgiveness for us. This doesn’t make it okay to go out and do anything we want just cause God will forgive us, but it does allow us to repent, and draw closer to the Savior when we happen to do something wrong. So I had been thinking about this, and had been grateful that I have a Savior who loves me, and who is always there for me, and will always forgive me when I sincerely ask. I just love the Atonement.

So then, one afternoon, I was a little bored and, well, I ended up having a slip-up. I think I was pretty shocked that it happen, and it definitely upset me. BIG TIME. I broke down like I don’t think I have ever broken down before after a slip-up. .I cried and cried and cried. I kept saying that it just had to be a dream, it couldn’t be real life, this couldn’t have just happened to me. I still do wish it was just a dream, but the further away from it that it gets, the less likely it is that it was a dream, and if it is a dream, this is one long dream. So anyway, This is the reality I now face. After I broke down, I finally regained my composure, and then I just felt numb. I couldn’t really feel anything, and I couldn’t really think about it. That night I kinda tried to pray, but it was like I had forgotten how to pray. I was so upset at myself. I am still kicking myself. I can’t believe it happened. But the next day, I was reading in my scriptures, and I read Alma 56:56 and it is talking about Helaman and his stripling warriors. It says that it was as if they “fought as if with the strength of God”. I love that. I realized that was my answer for now. That is what I need to work on. I need to be strengthened every day, so that I can fight as if I had the strength of God. I know that He is willing to strengthen me and to enable me with His power so that I can successfully fight Satan and his followers. I have seen it happen in my life plenty of times before. I just need to trust and rely on Him. Really trust Him, and really rely on Him.

I know that, once again, God will forgive me of my sins. I know I have asked for forgiveness before, and promised to never do this again, but He understands. He knows that I am trying, and that I was knocked over in a moment of weakness. Now I need to work on learning to fight as if with the strength of God. That will come as obey “every word of command with exactness” (Alma 57:12). Above all, I know that God loves me, and I know that He will strengthen me when I put my faith in Him.

Journey of Recovery

So I have been working on the Addiction Recovery Manual that is published by the LDS Church. In step 7, which is about humility, it talks about asking the Lord to remove from me, my shortcomings. As I started asking the Lord for His help in removing my shortcomings, I realized that in addition to needing to be strengthened by the Atonement, I also need to have my shortcomings removed. These may seem similar, but they are different. I can become really strong, but until my shortcoming is removed, I haven't really experienced a complete transformation.

That being said, there was a good week or so where I have been tested. It started off small, with just somethings that wouldn't get out of my head. Something like this has definitely lead to a slip up in the past, but I knew it wasn't going there this time. After I sang hymn after hymn in my head, it still wouldn't leave. It wasn't until I had the bright idea to pray that it went away. I prayed, and acknowledged the great strength that I have been blessed with through the Atonement and for all the help that God has given me to allow me to make it to where I am today. I once again asked for strength, to not let Satan have power over me, and to not allow this to be a set back for me. I was blessed immediately, and the song was gone. I am so grateful for how willing the Lord is to bless me when I ask Him, believing in Him, and believing that He can and will help me. I continued having small temptations for about a week, and then I was hit with a big one. It was by far the biggest one since my last slip up. I would definitely say it was a close call. It came on really fast, and before I knew it, I just had to stop everything I was doing, and basically convince myself to leave and do something else. It took just about all I had to be able to leave. I had plenty of justifications in my head as to why it would be okay to proceed down that road, but the thing that kept coming to my mind was that I knew I wasn't having virtuous thoughts. Somehow, that was enough to get me to leave.

I am so grateful that I was able to stop and re-evaluate the situation. A couple months ago, I don't think I would have been strong enough to stop. I have really been strengthened by the Atonement of my Savior. He has helped me so much, and I know He is giving me the experiences that I need in order to have my shortcomings removed. I am also so grateful that I was able to stop and change my course because, although I didn't think of this in the moment, I had plans to go to the temple the next day, and it was so good to be in the temple. It is seriously worth every effort you can make to get there. I know that serving in the temple blesses your life in so many ways, and is another way that the Savior can strengthen your soul.

One last thought for this post.. I was reading Elder Christofferson's talk from General Conference. I love it. He talks about how at the Judgement Day, we will not be judged based on a list of good and bad things we have done, but rather that we will be judged based on what we have become. I am so grateful for this. My "list" of bad things is long, but I am overcoming those things, and I am becoming better. I need to continue that for the rest of my life, but I am grateful that I have been forgiven, and that my Savior is helping me to reach my potential. I know that everyone truly has the potential to become like God. We can all do it. No matter what we have done, if we rely on the Savior, and strive every day to be just a little better than we were yesterday, we will be blessed. We might not always get better each day, we will sometimes have setbacks, but as long as we are striving, and relying on Christ, I KNOW that we can overcome ALL things.

Constant Rededication

I have been reflecting on some things, and I have some thoughts that I thought I would share. The first has to do with something that was always a discouragement to me while I was struggling. I would repeatedly have some sort of experience that made me vow my rededication. “That was the last time I am going to slip up. I am done with this forever.” I would say it to myself over and over. It got to the point where I almost stopped believing it, I almost stopped believing that I could be done with pornography forever. Then once again, something would happen, and I would rededicate myself to changing. “This time it’s different, I am really done forever. I have learned and grown, and now I know how to be done forever” is what I would tell myself. Then once again, I’d have a slip up. This was definitely a discouraging process. I really did feel like I had made progress, and that I was going to be different than I was before. I recently realized that throughout that process, I was becoming different. I needed to experience all those times of rededication and let down, because each time I learned something new, something that lead to the next rededication. Each let down really was for my benefit, because there was always another lesson that I still needed to learn. You’d think after so many years I would have learned all I could, but I guess not. I still had more to learn. I think I still have more to learn, but I am learning it in other ways, not through slip ups. I know I can never let down my guard, but I do feel like I have made a lot of progress, and things keep getting easier and easier. I never really thought I’d feel like this, but I am so glad I do. 

Another thing I’ve been thinking about is a church meeting I was in a while back while I was traveling. Someone told a story of a temple recommend interview he had given to a member of the Army was serving in Iraq. The soldier had his wallet stolen while he was over there, and thus didn’t have his temple recommend. He was home for just two days, but he made it a priority to get a new recommend. He just couldn’t go back to Iraq without his recommend. He had replaced his wallet, but he felt that something was missing without it. I totally understand that feeling, only my wallet was missing something because of my own actions, rather than the actions of someone else. But I know how that soldier felt, and I understand the urgency he felt to get it back, and also the peace he felt when he placed that recommend in his wallet where it belonged. During that meeting, I rededicated myself to always having a current temple recommend. I never want to be without it again in my life. Something is missing when it isn’t there, and I never want to experience that empty feeling again. It doesn’t just affect your wallet, it affects your whole life.

So here is my "public" rededication to never spend another day in my life without a current temple recommend. You should dedicate yourself to it too, or rededicate if you have already dedicated yourself to it. If you don’t currently qualify for a temple recommend, dedicate yourself becoming worthy and getting that recommend. It will bring you more joy than anything I know of. And it doesn’t matter how many times you have to rededicate yourself to the goal, as long as you keep trying to learn and grow, and keep rededicating yourself. The blessings will come on the Lord’s time table.

Temple Recommend

So I got my temple recommend back :) It was a happy day for sure. I love the temple, and I can't wait to go back. It has been quite a while. The day before I got my recommend back, there were a lot of different things going on such that the temple was really on my mind. I know I didn't have my recommend, but I could feel myself at the temple. I took that as a pretty good sign that I was worthy to go back. The next day, I went to talk to Bishop. We small talked for a bit, talked about my calling, summer plans, etc. Then we got down to business, and started talking about the real reason I was there. After a while he asked if I was going to go to the temple this summer. I responded that I sure planned on it if I had my recommend. He said that it is important to be worthy to enter the temple, and to have confidence before God, but also that going to the temple brings us more confidence, and gives us more strength to be worthy. So he encouraged me to attend, and gave me back my recommend. I was so glad to have it back, but I didn't feel any different, like I thought I would. Everyday while he had it, I would think about it, and how much I wanted it back. Now that I have it back, I am so grateful, but I don't feel any different. I think the reasoning has something to do with what I read in the Book of Mormon Institute manual this week. It says in the manual (which I know is obvious), that it isn't the Bishop who forgives us, God does that. The Bishop acts as a judge in Israel, and represents the Lord, but he does not have the power to forgive. When I went to see him, I had already been forgiven. That is why I could feel myself at the temple the day before. The Bishop just restored the privileges of some of the blessing of the gospel to me. But I tell you what, it feels great to be found worthy by a judge in Israel.

I really feel like I am in a good place right now. I know that I need to work hard to keep it up though. I know that the Atonement is the only way that I can do that. I need to be continually strengthened by it, and I need to use the blessing of personal revelation to know the things I need to do each and every day in order to overcome this completely. Also, as I have also been working though the Addiction Recovery Program from LDS Family Services, I am learning more and more about myself. Some of the things are not relevant since I am not currently participating in my addiction, but there are so many good things in there, and I am learning a lot. I need to continue working though it. I am working on a moral inventory of myself. It is painful at times to try to remember all of the awful things I have done in the past eight years or so, but I know that it will help me leave this in the past forever, and that I won't just relapse, or switch to another addiction.