Faith and Fear

"What if I stopped trying not to sin and instead just tried to always repent?" This question struck me during a discussion with a friend, and I know there is something to it. I think we spend so much time trying not to sin because we are afraid of sin. We are afraid of messing up. We are afraid of failing. We are afraid of what others will think. We are afraid of what it says about who we are. We are afraid that we can't overcome.

I've learned through some very real experiences that when we act or respond in fear, it is never helpful. A while ago, I made a plan to kill myself on my birthday (don't worry, I made it to my birthday and beyond). As I told a friend about this plan I made, she was awesome. She was incredibly helpful, supportive, and loving. However, the next day, she was freaked out. She was afraid. And rightfully so. If roles were reversed, I am sure I would have freaked out just as much, if not more. But what I learned was that she was not able to help me when she was responding from a place of fear. I told others about what was going on, and those who responded without fear, and instead had faith, those were the people who were able to help me through that difficult period.

This has caused me to think a lot about faith and fear.

I haven't blogged for a long time, but long story short (perhaps I'll elaborate later), I am in a really good place. Like really good. Maybe the best ever. I feel like a miracle has happened in my life. Most of it has to do with getting rid of my fear. It is acting in faith. I have been able to embrace my sexuality. I am no longer ashamed that I am a sexual being. I am no longer afraid to have sexual feelings. I am no longer afraid to hear an inappropriate song. I am no longer afraid to go to a bachelorette party where people are going to be talking about sex. I am no longer afraid of an inappropriate thought entering my head. It's a miracle.

But what I've found is that I've started listening to inappropriate songs. I don't watch much tv or movies, but if I did, I am sure I'd watch more inappropriate movies, because I'm no longer afraid that they will trigger me and march me straight back to pornography. This weekend I realized that just because I am not afraid of these things, does not mean that I should be entertaining them. So I still need to avoid them, but the motivation is different. It isn't because I am afraid of what it says about me, or what it will do to me. It is because I know that God doesn't want me to be doing those things.

After having these new insights, I still listened to inappropriate music today. And so I repented of it. And it is likely to happen again tomorrow. I am thinking that seeking to repent always, rather than seeking to never sin is a better way to Christ. There is less shame. There is less fear. There is more hope. There is more faith. There is more reliance on our Savior and His great Atoning sacrifice. And that is the point of all of this. It isn't to never sin. It isn't to never fail. If that were the point, we would have no need for the Atonement. If that were the point, we probably would have chosen to follow someone else in the pre-mortal world. The point is to repent. The point is to use the Atonement. The point is to rely on Christ.

I feel like I have a lot more to think about and to learn from this question. I think that shift in mindset is really important. My thoughts here feel very incomplete, but I felt like I should get them down tonight. So here they are, for whoever might stumble across them.