Eternal Perspective

The lessons just never seem to end. I learned yet another important lesson this week. In fact I’ve learned many lessons, which is why I thought it was important to start a blog, so that I could have a place to record the things I learn, and by doing so, help others in their struggles. So this week, I lost sight of my long term goals. I convinced myself that allowing a little bad to happen was much better than having a lot of bad happen. What I should have done, is had more faith. I needed to have more faith that although the temptation wasn’t going away, that it would if I continued to faithfully endure. I convinced myself that I knew better than God knew. I thought that taking things into my own hands was the best way to overcome. I am thankful that I was able to keep it at just a little bad, but that still doesn’t make it right. With help from my Heavenly Father and from my Savior, I have learned how to be better at controlling my thoughts. This has saved me on numerous occasions. However, at times, I just get things stuck in my head, and they don’t seem to want to leave. I try whatever I can think of, and sometimes it will go away for a little while, but then it will come back later. This was the case this week. But I have learned a lot.

I have learned that I need to not only pray for the strength to make it through today, and for the knowledge of the things I need to do today to keep myself safe, I also need to start praying to know the things I need to work on and be aware of even before they happen. If I can anticipate things happening, then I can come up with a solution before they happen rather than leaving me guessing when a different temptation or situation arises. One solution I have come up with for when things get stuck in my head is to get them out. This week I got them out by looking things up. But in the future, I am going to get them out by telling my friend what is in my head. It is as if keeping the thoughts in my head just seems to make things worse. If I can just tell someone what is going on in my head, then I am hoping that will be enough to get them out. 

At the end of the day, I need to just keep my eternal focus. I need to remember what my potential is. I need to remember what it is that I can become. If I am going to become like God is, then what should my life look like while I am here on earth? Having that perspective changes a lot of things. The struggle is just keeping that perspective in mind when a trial or temptation comes. I try to see everything as a learning opportunity. If there happens to be something that goes wrong, I really try to analyze it and figure out what went wrong, how if perhaps could have been prevented, and how to prevent it from happening in the future. As long as I keep learning and improving myself, I am progressing, and that is what the Lord wants.

Worthy of My Potential

I recently had a friend come into town to stay with me and to visit. I knew that I wouldn't have to worry about slipping up or anything while she was here, because I would always be with her. Sure enough, everything was just fine, and we had a great time together. It sometimes is hard to keep up the same sincerity in prayer and scripture study when someone is visiting, because I felt like I just didn't have the time to study that I normally do. I read my scriptures everyday, but it wasn't the study that I had been having, or that I would have liked to have had. Same with my prayers. I still prayed every night (and I think I prayed each morning), but it wasn't with the same sincerity and meaning that it should have been. Anyway, I think I let down my guard while my friend was here. Once she left, I got down on my knees and prayed. I had a feeling that the next day was going to be difficult, and that Satan was going to try to bring me down. I prayed to know what I could do that night in order to be protected the rest of that night, and the following day. I prayed that I would know the things I needed to do the following day in order to keep myself protected, and for the Atonement to continue strengthening me to withstand the temptations of Satan. I prayed for that shelter in the barn again, because I was afraid I had grown a little weak.

So anyway, while I was praying, some things that have been occupying my mind lately, came back to me. I have been thinking a lot about potential. Elder Oaks gave an address at the last General Conference of the LDS church called Desire, which I have really been thinking about. In it he states, "When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and our power to act increase enormously." That line has really stuck with me. What can I really become? What am I going to be like in the eternities? If I am going to become like God, am I acting appropriately? So this thought came to be that night, and I began to pray that I could live my life worthy of my potential. It was amazing what a difference that perspective made. Instead of being bogged down with worry about the next day, and what temptations might be thrown at me, I had a peace and calm assurance that I could become something great, and that the Lord was helping me on my way to become that. I knew the path still wasn't going to be easy, but I knew that with the Lord's help, I could do it. I had a vision of my potential, and through that I knew that I could become much greater than I am. My desire to act in righteousness increased, as well as my power to act in righteousness.

Sure enough, that day did bring temptations, but I was able to overcome them. Remembering my potential helped me to keep my desires in check. I know that my Savior is the ONLY one who understands my every feeling. Sometimes I want others to know how I am feeling so that they can comfort me, but I have learned that they will never completely understand. They may for a moment, but they have their own life, and their own feelings. The Savior is there for me, and because of the Atonement, He knows everything about me. He has literally experienced it all, so He knows EXACTLY the comfort that I need, and He knows how to give it to me, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I love my Savior.

There is Hope

So. I am an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and have been my entire life. My struggles with pornography began in 2003 out of a mix of boredom and curiosity. For years now, I have felt like one day I would share my experiences, and that from the things that I've learned, that I would be able to perhaps help just one other person in their struggles. My intent is not to talk about the details of anything, but just how the gospel of Jesus Christ has and is changing me, and helping me through this painful addiction. If you are a woman who is struggling, or know of a woman who is struggling with pornography, let me know. I know that it is difficult, and I know that having someone to talk to can make all the difference in the world. So this is my attempt to reach out to you. If you are a single woman, you are in good company cause so am I. I don't know what it is like to have this struggle in marriage, but if you are married, hopefully there will be something here that can help you too.

As for where I am currently, about two years ago I got myself to a very good place. I went about a year without any slip-ups or anything. I was happier than I've been in a long time. Then about a year ago, I began to slip back into things, although not to the extent that I had been involved previously. So for the past year I've felt like it has just been hanging around a little bit, and I'm ready to be done with it forever. It has been almost three weeks since my last slip-up, and I am working with my bishop to become worthy again to go to the temple. I love the temple with all my heart. I want more than anything to be worthy to be there, and to be worthy of being in the presence of my Savior. His Atonement is what has got me to the point I am today. Nothing else in this world could have taken away the guilt and pain I have felt, and replaced it with feelings of pure love. I know He loves me. I know He loves you too. It took me a really long time to come to know that, but now I know.

Speaking of the Atonement, I have gained a new appreciation for it recently. Because of a line in my Patriarchal Blessing, I had been praying for the Lord to shelter me from Satan and his temptations. I just pictured myself curled up in the loft of a big, sturdy, metal barn (which was the Savior protecting me). Everyday I would pray for that shelter, and everyday I would give thanks for that shelter. It got to a point where I realized that I couldn't just stay curled up all the time in that loft, because I would never grow. I would never become stronger. So my prayers changed. Now I pray that the Atonement will strengthen me from the inside, that it will change me, and who I am, so that I will be able to overcome the natural woman that is in me. Everyday I pray for the Atonement to change me, and everyday I give thanks for the changes that I see. Some days they are very subtle, other days they are more noticeable, but everyday the Lord strengthens me.

So anyway, that is my latest lesson learned. I know there will be many many more, and I am excited to have a place to share them. Again, I hope that someone might be able to find some sort of strength from what they find here. I would absolutely love it if I could help just one person, even if its just a little bit, so please, let me know if there is anything I can do. I've been there. I understand. And I know that it is possible to come back, and to feel loved again.