Fight as if with the Strength of God

So I think I have had a lot of emotions lately. I had an experience a while back that I was going to write about. I’m still going to write about it, but more has happened since then, and it has helped me see the bigger picture. So I did something wrong a while ago. It wasn’t really related to pornography, but was still something I needed to repent of. This had happened before, and I felt bad that I once again needed to ask for forgiveness for this same thing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the Lord always forgives me. He commands me to forgive someone who trespasses me 70 times 7 times. The reason He commands me to do that, is because He is trying to help me become like Him. He has infinite forgiveness for us. This doesn’t make it okay to go out and do anything we want just cause God will forgive us, but it does allow us to repent, and draw closer to the Savior when we happen to do something wrong. So I had been thinking about this, and had been grateful that I have a Savior who loves me, and who is always there for me, and will always forgive me when I sincerely ask. I just love the Atonement.

So then, one afternoon, I was a little bored and, well, I ended up having a slip-up. I think I was pretty shocked that it happen, and it definitely upset me. BIG TIME. I broke down like I don’t think I have ever broken down before after a slip-up. .I cried and cried and cried. I kept saying that it just had to be a dream, it couldn’t be real life, this couldn’t have just happened to me. I still do wish it was just a dream, but the further away from it that it gets, the less likely it is that it was a dream, and if it is a dream, this is one long dream. So anyway, This is the reality I now face. After I broke down, I finally regained my composure, and then I just felt numb. I couldn’t really feel anything, and I couldn’t really think about it. That night I kinda tried to pray, but it was like I had forgotten how to pray. I was so upset at myself. I am still kicking myself. I can’t believe it happened. But the next day, I was reading in my scriptures, and I read Alma 56:56 and it is talking about Helaman and his stripling warriors. It says that it was as if they “fought as if with the strength of God”. I love that. I realized that was my answer for now. That is what I need to work on. I need to be strengthened every day, so that I can fight as if I had the strength of God. I know that He is willing to strengthen me and to enable me with His power so that I can successfully fight Satan and his followers. I have seen it happen in my life plenty of times before. I just need to trust and rely on Him. Really trust Him, and really rely on Him.

I know that, once again, God will forgive me of my sins. I know I have asked for forgiveness before, and promised to never do this again, but He understands. He knows that I am trying, and that I was knocked over in a moment of weakness. Now I need to work on learning to fight as if with the strength of God. That will come as obey “every word of command with exactness” (Alma 57:12). Above all, I know that God loves me, and I know that He will strengthen me when I put my faith in Him.