A Place of Healing, Not Hiding

Being open about my struggle with pornography has changed my life. I haven’t been wide open about it, but I have opened up to some very key people, and as you can see from this blog, I’m starting to share my stories and experiences with whoever wants to listen. Once I stopped trying so hard to hide from everyone, I slowly started finding room to heal. This ongoing transformation has been something I never could have imagined, and now I want others to experience it too.

In his last conference talk, President Uchtdorf said that the church should be a place of healing, not hiding. I don’t know about you, but I’m not quite ready to stop hiding this at church. And I may never be, and that’s okay. But I think having another space where I can not hide, but be myself, and where I can listen and learn and share with others who really get what I’m going through would not only continue my healing, but also would help others have the courage to stop hiding and start healing. 

One of the key people I’ve been very open with is my therapist, Daniel Burgess. Working with Daniel has been an enormous blessing. He has helped me change the way I think about things. He has helped me learn a lot about myself, the Atonement, and how to better handle my struggles. I was recently checking in with him and while discussing what passions I have that could focus my energy on, he threw out the idea of writing a book together. Everything we talked about reminded me of the exact reasons I started my blog years ago - it was a way I could try to help someone else.

I thought and prayed a lot over the next few days. I dusted off my old blog, read through some old posts, and logged back into the email account I had set up specifically for this blog. I was absolutely shocked to see an email from a woman who found my blog, and even more shocked to hear that my blog somehow helped her! The crazy thing is she had sent that email 2 years ago, and I had no idea!! I was overcome with the sweetest feeling of joy, I can't even describe it. For the first time in my life I felt like I knew how Alma the Younger felt when he said “my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!” (Alma 36:20). I have corresponded a bit with this woman, and I think she is just a wonderful soul.

Realizing I helped someone, in some small way, fueled my desire to pursue this project with Daniel. Every time I prayed about it, I felt nothing but an outpouring of the Spirit. I’ll be honest, it is a little scary. It is definitely going to push my comfort zone, but if I can help someone else, it will all be worth it.

Daniel and I met to talk about the book, and we decided that in addition to writing a book, some sort of online support community for women could be very helpful. So we are giving it a shot! I want there to be a safe space where we can share, and listen, and learn from each other. If we can create that, I believe it will be an awesome place full of healing, not hiding, cause let's be honest. Hiding is exhausting!

So there you go. That is where I am, and where I want to go. It feels like a daunting project, and sometimes I feel totally inadequate to even think about trying to attempt something like this, but I am also incredibly excited about the potential for good. So if you want to get involved, offer support or have thoughts, ideas, suggestions, or comments, please let me know. And stay tuned for more info!

Trust the Process

We live in an "On Demand" world. How often do we watch our favorite TV shows at their regularly scheduled time? We (as a society) want what we want, and we want it now. We want nice cars, big houses, fancy trips, designer clothes. We want to look great, lose weight, and get in shape. But we also want to eat french fries, desserts, and anything else that looks tasty. We want our questions answered, our testimonies strengthened, and our burdens removed. And we want it all right now, or maybe by tomorrow afternoon if it's too much to ask for now. Thanks God, you're the best! 

Sometimes I get caught up in this, and I crave that instant gratification. Sometimes I indulge, sometimes I keep a longer-term focus. But I'm finding again and again that when I'm motivated and act on these impulsive desires, I end up feeling empty, unsatisfied, and also quite inadequate. I keep thinking about a story Elder Ballard tells in his talk, Finding Joy through Loving Service. If you'd rather watch the story, here you go.

I love this story for a lot of reasons. At face value, it teaches an important lesson. The best way to get rich isn't by winning the lottery, it is through the "patient accumulation" of the little gold flecks, over time that brought the prospector great wealth. But the number of different situations this applies to is endless. Not eating for a week isn't going to make us thin. Working out for 10 straight hours isn't going to make us fit. Praying once for an answer isn't going to satisfy our questions, or relieve our burdens. Instead consistent habits of eating healthy, working out, and being fed spiritually each and every day will enable us to reach our goals. It is a process. And we have to trust the process.

Pornography thrives in this arena of instant gratification. We have access to so much of it, and it's there whenever we decide we want it. Avoiding pornography for a day/week/month/whatever doesn't mean we have conquered it. We have to work hard, and patiently accumulate those small flecks of self-mastery over time. And when we find them, we have to treasure them. Some days I feel like there is hole in my leather pouch and I've totally lost some (or all) of those flecks I worked so hard to gather. But when I am able to see it as an opportunity to patch up my pouch and make it stronger than it was before, I'm able to get back in the game much quicker, and I'm so much happier.

So for me, my "process" for accumulating these precious flecks of self-mastery includes really studying the scriptures every day. It is staying on my knees in prayer until I feel a connection with God. It is being disciplined in other areas of my life such as consistently working out to take care of my body. It is getting enough sleep. Any of these things on their own, or done just once, doesn't amount to much. And that can be VERY discouraging. It is often hard for me to see the end result. It is easy to let things slide "just this one time". I'm not always good at it, but I know that over time, the consistent effort does pay off. The process does work, I just need to trust it more. For anyone else out there, what does your process involve? What has worked for you? I'd love to hear and learn from you.

To Act and Not Be Acted Upon

One of the most important things I feel like I've learned about recently is the difference between acting for myself, rather than being acted upon. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi talks about this in 2 Nephi 2:26.

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem 

the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from 

the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil;

to act for themselves and not to be acted upon,

save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, 

according to the commandments which God hath given.

So... Christ came to help us get over the effects of the fall. And because He did that for us, we are free and we know the difference between good and evil. And also, we have the ability to act, and it sounds like God doesn't really want us to be acted upon. So what does it mean to be acted upon?

I think that we sometimes give away our agency, and in some cases we accept and even embrace the fact that we are acted upon. If you put a warm, soft, chocolate chip cookie in front of me, I will eat it. It's gonna happen, and there is nothing anybody can do about it. No worries though, it's cool, I've totally accepted this about myself. But. Where is the agency in that? There is none! I think the power of an addiction is just this- it takes away your agency and leaves you as an object to be acted upon. How many times have you found yourself viewing pornography, and you really didn't make a choice to be there. It just sort of happened. For me, this has happened a lot. So what can be done? How can we reclaim our agency? How can we go from being objects that are acted upon to agents who act?

Well when everything you're doing doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to try something different. I recently tried something different, and so far it has actually helped. Hear me out on this one... If God values our agency enough to lose a third part of His children, and He sent Christ to die for us so that we could act and not be acted upon, do you think God would rather us be agents or objects? Agents, right? So God wants us to use the precious gift of agency and to act. Ok, got it. But what if we aren't good agents? What if we choose the wrong? Do you still think God would rather us be bad agents than acted upon objects?

I think He does! I think He really wants us to choose to act, even if we choose wrong. So I tried it out. Sometimes when I feel like there is no way for me to avoid pornography like I know I should, I chose to do it. That's right, I chose to view pornography. What??? I chose to view pornography?? I'm crazy, right? Probably so, because who in their right mind would choose to view pornography, especially when that is exactly what they are trying to avoid? Well I did. And the outcome surprised me.

I found that by choosing, I started to become an agent again. I started acting. And doing so helped me start to reclaim some of that agency that I lost. And agents who act have more power than objects who are acted upon because agents who act can choose to become better. Objects can't really progress. They just get acted upon, and thrown around wherever. Choosing to act opens the door for the Atonement of Christ. It allows the Atonement to strengthen us, and to enable us to become better, It allows for the Atonement to begin to heal our souls. So that's my challenge for all of us. It's probably going to look different for all of us, but let's try to find something we can do to, to reclaim our agency, and to stop being tossed around.

I'm back! And the Atonement is real!

It's been a while, but I'm back! I have learned many things, but it would be way too long to cover them all on one post. So look forward to future posts. 

Today, my thoughts are centered on the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Last week, I listened to the talk from the Priesthood Session of General Conference by Elder Ballard. He talked about having the greatest generation of young adults. In the talk, he asks a lot of questions that are good to ponder and check ourselves with. One of the questions is, "Do you think deeply about the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for you when you are asked to prepare, bless, pass, or partake of the sacrament?" So in Sacrament meeting, I made an effort to really try to think deeply about the Savior, and His atoning sacrifice as the sacrament was being administered. I didn't come up with anything profound, but I did think about ways that the Atonement helped me during the past week, as well as some other things. It was good, but nothing too special. 

But what has happened since that meeting has been profound. I have felt forgiveness in a whole new way, and on a much deeper level. I don't think I ever really believed that I could feel similar to Alma the Younger when he felt exquisite bitterness and pain, and then was forgiven and felt joy and happiness that was as exquisite as his pain. But this week, I felt it! I felt so much joy, it felt like I was just overflowing. It was an amazing feeling. My cup runneth over, for sure. It isn't that I haven't been forgiven all these years, but for some reason I felt it differently. It was a feeling of incredibly intense joy. It is the Atonement. It is real! It actually works! It isn't just something for the prophets. It is for us too. Pondering the Atonement during the sacrament helped me be more sensitive to its role in my daily life.

Anyway, my point is that it is worth it.  It is worth it to go through the repentance process, what ever that looks like. It is worth it to put your trust in God. It is worth it to keep trying. Again, and again, and again. It is totally worth it.

Overcoming Addictions

I recently attended a meeting where a couple therapists discussed how to counsel people with addictions, specifically an addiction to pornography. I thought a lot of the things they said were awesome, so I wanted to pass them along. 

One thing they talked about was how to know if you have an addiction, or if it is just a bad habit. Here were the signs of an addiction that he gave:

·      Repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop

·      It is interfering with life functioning

·      It is building and increasing in intensity

·      It causes personal distress

·      Engaging in risky behavior (example: viewing pornography at work even though it could result in being fired)

·      Constantly thinking or worrying about it

I thought that was a good list, and it reminded me that although I try to talk myself out of it sometimes, I am an addict. Sometimes more than others, but I related all too well with each of these to deny it.

At one point, they listed tempting thoughts that addicts have.

·      My life is already messed up

·      I already messed up today

·      I’ll stop tomorrow

·      What I do doesn’t matter to anyone

·      I’m useless anyway

·      A little won’t hurt

·      I just need a break

Again, these all hit incredibly close to home. I’ve thought each of these before, and sometimes it can still be a battle to keep myself thinking positively. 

He talked about the brain. I’ve read a few things about addictions and the brain, but he said some things that I hadn’t heard before, and I don’t know all the technical lingo, so I’ll do my best to describe it from what I remember. Basically he said that pornography is a drug, and it creates a release of dopamine. Then there are dopamine receptors (I think), which make the connection with the dopamine. Well then when the dopamine is gone, there is a deficiency in the brain, and so it begins to crave it. When something triggers it, the brain automatically starts the process on its own. So basically what I took away from it was that when something triggers you, the brain will automatically start the process, and this is why you can have an awesome day, full of the spirit, etc. and then find yourself looking at pornography just minutes later. I’ve had that happen so many times, and it is so discouraging. The good news is that this damage to the brain isn’t permanent; however, it takes a lot of time and work to change. 

They talked about ways a spouse can help. I’m not married, so you’d think this wouldn’t apply at all to me, but there was something that almost brought me to tears. He said one of the worst things a spouse can do is to have the addict promise that they will never slip again. The promise that should be made is that they will never give up, never stop fighting, and trying, and learning. I have promised myself time and time and time again that I would never have another slip up. And every time I’ve made that promise, I’ve broken it, and that is incredibly deflating, discouraging, and depressing. But I know that I will never give up. I will never stop fighting. I am so glad he said that, because it made it okay for me to just focus on the things I am going to do, and how I’m going to make it.

Speaking of slip ups, he said that addicts have a tendency to think they are back at square one whenever they have a slip up. This thinking should be discouraged. If you have just gone 3 weeks without a slip, and then have one, you aren’t at zero. You have still progressed through those weeks, and although you have had a small set back, you are still much better off than you were. Instead of 21/21, you might be 20/21, but that is still awesome progress.

Identify the reasons you want to change. If you aren’t committed to the change, it isn’t going to happen. List the advantages and disadvantages of changing. Once you see that by not changing the behavior you are giving up something of incredible worth for something meaningless, it will provide additional motivation.

Other recommendations he had were to engage in a consistent exercise plan. I know from personal experience, that I am much better off when I am exercising, just be careful that it doesn’t turn into an addiction to exercise, cause although that is less bad, it still isn’t healthy. Also, be as social as possible, it will help build meaningful relationships, and it helps to stay connected to real people.

Most importantly, involve the Savior in the work. All change comes through Him. I know that is true. I know that the Atonement is real. With addictions, it isn’t enough for someone to tell you to stop it, and to just pray and read your scriptures more. Outside help is often needed, and that is okay. In fact it is good. Though difficult, talking with others about my struggles has brought much healing and peace.

God is Full of Mercy

How do I forgive myself? This is a question that has been on my mind lately, and I don’t think I’m the only one who has it. A friend of mine alluded to this yesterday. She was reading some notes from a talk by Brad Wilcox, His Grace is Sufficient.

The older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

I have felt this, even with out making it to that final judgment. I have felt Christ begging me to stay, but me pushing Him away, because I didn’t feel worthy. I have felt His grace, and felt completely forgiven for my sins, but at the same time felt quite confused. I didn’t understand how it could be done. How could I go from a state of despair and turmoil, to a state of such peace in an instant? How is it that I could do wrong, yet still be loved. I think Isaiah had some insight into this.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

I am realizing that Brad Wilcox is right. Christ wants all of us to come back. But we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. It is essential that we learn to forgive ourselves. It is essential that I learn how to forgive myself. God is much more perfect than I am, so of course He is going to be more forgiving than I am. I know that He is full of mercy. I know that He loves me more completely than I love myself. He wants better things for me than I want for myself. I need to trust in His grace. And if He tells me I am worthy, I need to trust Him, and forgive myself.

Daily Strength from the Atonement

So I don't remember exactly when it was, but sometime during Sacrament meeting today, I thought about the Atonement, in regards to a conversation I recently had with a good friend. My friend asked me what I thought the one thing was that if people understood better, it would help them understand the gospel, or change them, or something like that. My immediate response was, the Atonement. I firmly believe that. She thought for a sec, and then agreed, citing things like the Plan of Salvation. I realized that I hadn't even been thinking about the Plan of Salvation, sometimes that seems like something that will play out later in life.

Today I realized where my thoughts were. I realized this when I thought to myself, how can the Atonement help me, TODAY? What strength do I need from the Atonement right now? What can the Atonement help me accomplish now, that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do on my own?

Pondering these questions was very enlightening, empowering, and encouraging. I realized that I have some "heavy burdens" that I have been trying to carry around on my own. But I don't need to carry them alone. Or maybe I do need to carry them alone, but if I do, then I can be strengthened to be able to better carry the load.

I think I learned the lesson of needing to rely daily on the Atonement when I was really struggling to overcome my addiction to pornography. But apparently I am quick to forget. Lately, I have been struggling with, what I've come to know as a transfer of addiction. I have been struggling with an eating disorder. This has happened previously in my life, and I really don't want to let it develop into an addiction. It has been really hard, a battle from within. Eating disorders are different from other addictions in that we must have food. We can go without drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc, but we can't go without food.

Anyway, I realized that I need to DAILY be turning to the Atonement for strength. I need to be sincerely asking for the enabling power of the Atonement to strengthen me to overcome this, especially before it overcomes me. And once I thought of this, and began relying on the Lord, rather than the arm of flesh (myself), I immediately felt relief.

This daily reliance on the Atonement isn't just for me, it isn't just for me when I'm struggling with an addiction. The Atonement is there for everyone, all the time, for every situation. I began thinking of other ways I could benefit from the Atonement. I thought of things I need help learning, and remembering. I thought of things that I need help with at work, in my relationships with others, in my church calling, etc. I know that the Atonement is more powerful than we can understand with our mortal souls. I know that if we rely on the Atonement, we can reach our potential. We can become like God (GOD = MAN + WOMAN). We can do things that we otherwise wouldn't be able to do.

The Atonement is the key. Work to understand it better. Think of how it does, or how it can bless your life each and every day. Then ask for that help. Ask to be changed by the enabling power of the Atonement to be able to bear the burdens you are asked to bear. It will change your life.