To Act and Not Be Acted Upon

One of the most important things I feel like I've learned about recently is the difference between acting for myself, rather than being acted upon. In the Book of Mormon, Lehi talks about this in 2 Nephi 2:26.

And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem 

the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from 

the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil;

to act for themselves and not to be acted upon,

save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, 

according to the commandments which God hath given.

So... Christ came to help us get over the effects of the fall. And because He did that for us, we are free and we know the difference between good and evil. And also, we have the ability to act, and it sounds like God doesn't really want us to be acted upon. So what does it mean to be acted upon?

I think that we sometimes give away our agency, and in some cases we accept and even embrace the fact that we are acted upon. If you put a warm, soft, chocolate chip cookie in front of me, I will eat it. It's gonna happen, and there is nothing anybody can do about it. No worries though, it's cool, I've totally accepted this about myself. But. Where is the agency in that? There is none! I think the power of an addiction is just this- it takes away your agency and leaves you as an object to be acted upon. How many times have you found yourself viewing pornography, and you really didn't make a choice to be there. It just sort of happened. For me, this has happened a lot. So what can be done? How can we reclaim our agency? How can we go from being objects that are acted upon to agents who act?

Well when everything you're doing doesn't seem to work, maybe it's time to try something different. I recently tried something different, and so far it has actually helped. Hear me out on this one... If God values our agency enough to lose a third part of His children, and He sent Christ to die for us so that we could act and not be acted upon, do you think God would rather us be agents or objects? Agents, right? So God wants us to use the precious gift of agency and to act. Ok, got it. But what if we aren't good agents? What if we choose the wrong? Do you still think God would rather us be bad agents than acted upon objects?

I think He does! I think He really wants us to choose to act, even if we choose wrong. So I tried it out. Sometimes when I feel like there is no way for me to avoid pornography like I know I should, I chose to do it. That's right, I chose to view pornography. What??? I chose to view pornography?? I'm crazy, right? Probably so, because who in their right mind would choose to view pornography, especially when that is exactly what they are trying to avoid? Well I did. And the outcome surprised me.

I found that by choosing, I started to become an agent again. I started acting. And doing so helped me start to reclaim some of that agency that I lost. And agents who act have more power than objects who are acted upon because agents who act can choose to become better. Objects can't really progress. They just get acted upon, and thrown around wherever. Choosing to act opens the door for the Atonement of Christ. It allows the Atonement to strengthen us, and to enable us to become better, It allows for the Atonement to begin to heal our souls. So that's my challenge for all of us. It's probably going to look different for all of us, but let's try to find something we can do to, to reclaim our agency, and to stop being tossed around.

I'm back! And the Atonement is real!

It's been a while, but I'm back! I have learned many things, but it would be way too long to cover them all on one post. So look forward to future posts. 

Today, my thoughts are centered on the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Last week, I listened to the talk from the Priesthood Session of General Conference by Elder Ballard. He talked about having the greatest generation of young adults. In the talk, he asks a lot of questions that are good to ponder and check ourselves with. One of the questions is, "Do you think deeply about the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for you when you are asked to prepare, bless, pass, or partake of the sacrament?" So in Sacrament meeting, I made an effort to really try to think deeply about the Savior, and His atoning sacrifice as the sacrament was being administered. I didn't come up with anything profound, but I did think about ways that the Atonement helped me during the past week, as well as some other things. It was good, but nothing too special. 

But what has happened since that meeting has been profound. I have felt forgiveness in a whole new way, and on a much deeper level. I don't think I ever really believed that I could feel similar to Alma the Younger when he felt exquisite bitterness and pain, and then was forgiven and felt joy and happiness that was as exquisite as his pain. But this week, I felt it! I felt so much joy, it felt like I was just overflowing. It was an amazing feeling. My cup runneth over, for sure. It isn't that I haven't been forgiven all these years, but for some reason I felt it differently. It was a feeling of incredibly intense joy. It is the Atonement. It is real! It actually works! It isn't just something for the prophets. It is for us too. Pondering the Atonement during the sacrament helped me be more sensitive to its role in my daily life.

Anyway, my point is that it is worth it.  It is worth it to go through the repentance process, what ever that looks like. It is worth it to put your trust in God. It is worth it to keep trying. Again, and again, and again. It is totally worth it.

Overcoming Addictions

I recently attended a meeting where a couple therapists discussed how to counsel people with addictions, specifically an addiction to pornography. I thought a lot of the things they said were awesome, so I wanted to pass them along. 

One thing they talked about was how to know if you have an addiction, or if it is just a bad habit. Here were the signs of an addiction that he gave:

·      Repeated, unsuccessful attempts to stop

·      It is interfering with life functioning

·      It is building and increasing in intensity

·      It causes personal distress

·      Engaging in risky behavior (example: viewing pornography at work even though it could result in being fired)

·      Constantly thinking or worrying about it

I thought that was a good list, and it reminded me that although I try to talk myself out of it sometimes, I am an addict. Sometimes more than others, but I related all too well with each of these to deny it.

At one point, they listed tempting thoughts that addicts have.

·      My life is already messed up

·      I already messed up today

·      I’ll stop tomorrow

·      What I do doesn’t matter to anyone

·      I’m useless anyway

·      A little won’t hurt

·      I just need a break

Again, these all hit incredibly close to home. I’ve thought each of these before, and sometimes it can still be a battle to keep myself thinking positively. 

He talked about the brain. I’ve read a few things about addictions and the brain, but he said some things that I hadn’t heard before, and I don’t know all the technical lingo, so I’ll do my best to describe it from what I remember. Basically he said that pornography is a drug, and it creates a release of dopamine. Then there are dopamine receptors (I think), which make the connection with the dopamine. Well then when the dopamine is gone, there is a deficiency in the brain, and so it begins to crave it. When something triggers it, the brain automatically starts the process on its own. So basically what I took away from it was that when something triggers you, the brain will automatically start the process, and this is why you can have an awesome day, full of the spirit, etc. and then find yourself looking at pornography just minutes later. I’ve had that happen so many times, and it is so discouraging. The good news is that this damage to the brain isn’t permanent; however, it takes a lot of time and work to change. 

They talked about ways a spouse can help. I’m not married, so you’d think this wouldn’t apply at all to me, but there was something that almost brought me to tears. He said one of the worst things a spouse can do is to have the addict promise that they will never slip again. The promise that should be made is that they will never give up, never stop fighting, and trying, and learning. I have promised myself time and time and time again that I would never have another slip up. And every time I’ve made that promise, I’ve broken it, and that is incredibly deflating, discouraging, and depressing. But I know that I will never give up. I will never stop fighting. I am so glad he said that, because it made it okay for me to just focus on the things I am going to do, and how I’m going to make it.

Speaking of slip ups, he said that addicts have a tendency to think they are back at square one whenever they have a slip up. This thinking should be discouraged. If you have just gone 3 weeks without a slip, and then have one, you aren’t at zero. You have still progressed through those weeks, and although you have had a small set back, you are still much better off than you were. Instead of 21/21, you might be 20/21, but that is still awesome progress.

Identify the reasons you want to change. If you aren’t committed to the change, it isn’t going to happen. List the advantages and disadvantages of changing. Once you see that by not changing the behavior you are giving up something of incredible worth for something meaningless, it will provide additional motivation.

Other recommendations he had were to engage in a consistent exercise plan. I know from personal experience, that I am much better off when I am exercising, just be careful that it doesn’t turn into an addiction to exercise, cause although that is less bad, it still isn’t healthy. Also, be as social as possible, it will help build meaningful relationships, and it helps to stay connected to real people.

Most importantly, involve the Savior in the work. All change comes through Him. I know that is true. I know that the Atonement is real. With addictions, it isn’t enough for someone to tell you to stop it, and to just pray and read your scriptures more. Outside help is often needed, and that is okay. In fact it is good. Though difficult, talking with others about my struggles has brought much healing and peace.

God is Full of Mercy

How do I forgive myself? This is a question that has been on my mind lately, and I don’t think I’m the only one who has it. A friend of mine alluded to this yesterday. She was reading some notes from a talk by Brad Wilcox, His Grace is Sufficient.

The older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay.” No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.”

I have felt this, even with out making it to that final judgment. I have felt Christ begging me to stay, but me pushing Him away, because I didn’t feel worthy. I have felt His grace, and felt completely forgiven for my sins, but at the same time felt quite confused. I didn’t understand how it could be done. How could I go from a state of despair and turmoil, to a state of such peace in an instant? How is it that I could do wrong, yet still be loved. I think Isaiah had some insight into this.

For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer.

I am realizing that Brad Wilcox is right. Christ wants all of us to come back. But we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. It is essential that we learn to forgive ourselves. It is essential that I learn how to forgive myself. God is much more perfect than I am, so of course He is going to be more forgiving than I am. I know that He is full of mercy. I know that He loves me more completely than I love myself. He wants better things for me than I want for myself. I need to trust in His grace. And if He tells me I am worthy, I need to trust Him, and forgive myself.

Daily Strength from the Atonement

So I don't remember exactly when it was, but sometime during Sacrament meeting today, I thought about the Atonement, in regards to a conversation I recently had with a good friend. My friend asked me what I thought the one thing was that if people understood better, it would help them understand the gospel, or change them, or something like that. My immediate response was, the Atonement. I firmly believe that. She thought for a sec, and then agreed, citing things like the Plan of Salvation. I realized that I hadn't even been thinking about the Plan of Salvation, sometimes that seems like something that will play out later in life.

Today I realized where my thoughts were. I realized this when I thought to myself, how can the Atonement help me, TODAY? What strength do I need from the Atonement right now? What can the Atonement help me accomplish now, that I otherwise wouldn't be able to do on my own?

Pondering these questions was very enlightening, empowering, and encouraging. I realized that I have some "heavy burdens" that I have been trying to carry around on my own. But I don't need to carry them alone. Or maybe I do need to carry them alone, but if I do, then I can be strengthened to be able to better carry the load.

I think I learned the lesson of needing to rely daily on the Atonement when I was really struggling to overcome my addiction to pornography. But apparently I am quick to forget. Lately, I have been struggling with, what I've come to know as a transfer of addiction. I have been struggling with an eating disorder. This has happened previously in my life, and I really don't want to let it develop into an addiction. It has been really hard, a battle from within. Eating disorders are different from other addictions in that we must have food. We can go without drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, etc, but we can't go without food.

Anyway, I realized that I need to DAILY be turning to the Atonement for strength. I need to be sincerely asking for the enabling power of the Atonement to strengthen me to overcome this, especially before it overcomes me. And once I thought of this, and began relying on the Lord, rather than the arm of flesh (myself), I immediately felt relief.

This daily reliance on the Atonement isn't just for me, it isn't just for me when I'm struggling with an addiction. The Atonement is there for everyone, all the time, for every situation. I began thinking of other ways I could benefit from the Atonement. I thought of things I need help learning, and remembering. I thought of things that I need help with at work, in my relationships with others, in my church calling, etc. I know that the Atonement is more powerful than we can understand with our mortal souls. I know that if we rely on the Atonement, we can reach our potential. We can become like God (GOD = MAN + WOMAN). We can do things that we otherwise wouldn't be able to do.

The Atonement is the key. Work to understand it better. Think of how it does, or how it can bless your life each and every day. Then ask for that help. Ask to be changed by the enabling power of the Atonement to be able to bear the burdens you are asked to bear. It will change your life.

The Divine Gift of Repentance

"Repentance means striving to change... Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such strivings." Elder D. Todd Christofferson, The Divine Gift of Repentance

This quote has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been in Relief Society meetings in a variety of wards where a lesson on this talk was taught, and this line always stands out to me. I think it stands out to me because I have felt the pain of those repeated attempts. I know what it feels like to start and stop, and start again, over and over. It can be incredibly discouraging, but I know that there is something refining and holy in striving diligently to overcome, and those repeated attempts are sanctifying. They help to cleanse your soul. I know this, because years of those repeated attempts is exactly what I needed to be able to overcome.

"Repentance means striving to change. It would mock the Savior's suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross for us to expect that He should transform us into angelic beings with no real effort on our part. Rather, we seek His grace to complement our most diligent efforts (see 2 Nephi 25:23). Perhaps as much as praying for mercy, we should pray for time and opportunity to work and strive to overcome, surely the Lord smiles upon one who desires to come to judgment worthily, who resolutely labors day by day to replace weakness with strength. Real repentance, real change may require repeated attempts, but there is something refining and holy in such striving. Divine forgiveness and healing flow quite naturally to such a soul, for indeed "virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; [and] mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own (D&C 88:40). With repentance we can steadily improve in our capacity to live the celestial law." Elder D. Todd Christofferson, The Divine Gift of Repentance

As a woman in the LDS Church, who struggled with an addiction to pornography for years, I know that the gift of repentance is really divine. It is an amazing gift. I know that it takes time, a lot of time. I know that it takes effort, a lot of effort. I know that it is hard, really really hard. But I also know that it is all totally worth it. Satan will try as hard as he can to get you to believe otherwise. I  have seen him use so many different tactics on so many different people. Satan knows us quite well, and he individualizes his attacks on each of us. Unfortunately he can be quite effective in his attacks. But God knows us even better. His arms of mercy are continually extended toward us, and if we will reach back out to them, we can find so much peace, and joy, and safety in them.

If you are struggling, and feel like you can't do it on your own any more, ask for help. You may not struggle with pornography like me, for you it may be drugs or alcohol or sex or swearing whatever else you are having trouble with. You aren't alone. Don't be afraid to raise your hand, and say you are stuck and can't do it alone anymore. You might tell a friend, or someone in your family, or your Bishop, you can even tell me. But tell someone. Get the help you need. Get rid of any shame you are feeling, and start working towards recovery. The road is long, but it is worth it.

Love

It's been a while since my last post, but that is definitely not because there has been a lack of things for me to write about. I have had some really amazing experiences these last few months and I have really learned a lot. I've thought a lot about Elder Holland's General Conference address from April 2010, titled, "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". Go pray to be open to the spirit, and then go read it. It is really an amazing talk.

What it has made me think a lot about is the difference between love and lust, and how physical affection could be based on love rather than lust. Making a distinction between the two has been something that I have had trouble wrapping my head around. Well, I have experienced a tender mercy from the Lord. He blessed my life with an amazing man who taught me many things. One of which is how physical affection can be motivated by love, and not by lust. I don't know that I have words to explain it, it was something that I had to experience to understand. There was one night in particular that I think really taught me this lesson. The affection we showed each other spoke of love, compassion, tenderness, and a level of caring that I've never known. I felt like we were both trying to say "I love you" through a kiss. It wasn't, "I want you" or "I need you", but something much more enduring (sorry for the sappy details).

It always hurts when relationships end, especially when you have fallen in love, and this one was no exception. I am always grateful for the relationships I have, but I am especially grateful for this one. I was taught a lot about love. I experienced love in a way I never imagined.

I recently learned that one effect that addictions have is that they will take away an addicts capacity to have meaningful relationships. One of the outcomes of the recovery process is that the capacity for meaningful relationships increases. I had no clue that my addiction limited my capacity for meaningful relationships until I truly turned to God and progressed in my recovery. As I continue to progress, I see that capacity continue to expand. I find that the closer I come to my Savior, the greater my capacity to love others becomes. For me, it started with a close friend who loved me despite my faults. It grew even more as I developed this relationship. And I know that as I work each day to become closer to my Savior, that it will continue to increase, and will make me more able to love and to accept the love of others.

Love is powerful. Each time I feel love from another person, it increases my ability to love. It helps me recognize, and reminds me of the love that my Savior has for me